


The Game Show, The Anthropologist, and The Phone Call That Said It All

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: First Times, Humor, M/M, Plot What Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 01:26:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/792434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair decides he needs some money so he becomes a contestant on a game show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Game Show, The Anthropologist, and The Phone Call That Said It All

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be an apology snippet for quoting the wrong person as saying something but it was longer than expected so I just decided to post it to the fiction list. I've only seen the show a few times during the celebrity week so who knows how close I am to getting Regis' voice right? But I couldn't stop thinking that Blair would be an entertaining contestant.

## The Game Show, The Anthropologist, and The Phone Call That Said It All

by Landis McQuade

Author's disclaimer: The characters are the property of PetFly and Paramount. No money is being made by me.

* * *

A Game Show, An Anthropologist and The Phone Call That Said It All 

FADE IN: 

INT. EARLY EVENING. SET OF WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE 

REGIS: We have seven contestants left. So let's find out who's going to be the next to play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Everyone ready? List the following television shows in order of which premiered first, Due South, Northern Exposure, The Watchman, and Moonlighting. 

(Camera shows contestants punching in answers. One Blair Sandburg from Cascade, WA has just finished and is excitedly swivelling about in his chair) 

REGIS: And it was Moonlighting, Northern Exposure, Due South, and then The Watchman. 

(Camera angles in on the board listing contestants and their scores. Blair Sandburg of Cascade, WA is flashing with a score of 6.4 seconds) 

REGIS: And Blair Sandburg of Cascade, WA finished first with a score of 6.4 seconds.Blair seems a bit stunned but makes his way to the chair across from Regis. They shake hands) 

REGIS: Mr. Sandburg, nice to have you here. How are you feeling? 

BLAIR: Pretty good man. 

REGIS: Good, good. Ready to get started then? 

BLAIR: You bet. 

REGIS: First question for a hundred dollars, which of the following is not an Italian car, Ferrari, Alfa Romeo, Jaguar, or Lamborghini? 

(Blair reaches out his hand and slams the view screen. This startles Regis and embarrasses Blair) 

BLAIR: Uh, sorry about that. (straightening the screen which has been knocked to the side) This isn't Family Feud, huh? 

(Blair bows his head so that his hair is covering most of his face) 

REGIS: No. We do things a bit differently around here. This is purely verbal, no physical activities involved. So should I repeat the question? 

BLAIR: (looking at screen, squinting because he's not wearing his glasses) No, no it's right here. Uh, which car isn't Italian? Let's see, Jaguar's are a British make. Although you'd probably find a better model in Peru. Of course they have been known to be show up a time or two in Cascade, in fact... 

REGIS: So, Jaguar is your answer? 

BLAIR: Uh, I'm not getting off to a good start here am I? 

REGIS: No problem. Just takes some time to get into the swing of things. So Jaguar is your final answer? 

BLAIR: Yeah, C it is. 

REGIS: Sure, you're right. Jaguars are a British export. 

* * *

REGIS: You're at a thousand dollars. If you get this right, the thousand is yours regardless what happens later. All lifelines are intact. Which branch of zoology studies insects? Ornithology, entomology, herpetology, or ichthyology? 

BLAIR: Whoo, flashback city. (shudders) 

REGIS: Not an insect fan I take it? 

BLAIR: No way. I had a bad experience with some spiders a few years back. Still have nightmares. Um, the answer is entomology, B. 

REGIS: Of course it is. Not many people out there who do like insects. 

BLAIR: Yeah they're a creepy. I don't care if they are a necessary component of the food chain. 

* * *

REGIS: So, Mr. Sandburg, you're an anthropologist at Rainier University? 

BlAIR: Yep, working on my doctorate. 

REGIS: Fascinating subject anthropology. What's the subject of your thesis? 

BLAIR: (spark of disappointment quickly passes across Blair's face) Closed societies. The police, thin blue line, that kind of thing. 

REGIS: Sounds pretty interesting. 

BLAIR: Yeah, yeah, it is. 

REGIS: So the lovely lady with you here tonight, that's your girlfriend? 

(Camera pans to family chair where Megan is sitting) 

BLAIR: (laughing) No. Megan's a friend. When everyone found out I was coming there was some indecision about who to bring so we had a little contest. 

REGIS: Should I dare ask? 

BLAIR: (grinning knowingly) Regis, it's nothing like that. Just a little competition to see who made the most arrests in one week. Megan won. 

REGIS: (to Megan) How many bad guys did you take off the streets? 

MEGAN: Only six, it should've been eight but two escaped while I was waiting for the backup to show. 

BLAIR: (with admiration) Yeah, you wouldn't want to run across Megan in a dark alley. Took out all six on her own. 

REGIS: (impressed) Well, keep up the good work. 

MEGAN: (happy and excited) Thanks. Intend to. 

REGIS: (to Blair) Ready for some more questions? 

BLAIR: Bring 'em on. 

* * *

REGIS: We're back with Mr. Sandburg. And he's doing a fine job this evening. Hasn't used a lifeline yet. Won $8000 going for $16,000. Which of the following herbs can be used as a sleep aid? Valerian, St. John's Wort, Echinacea, or Gingko? 

BLAIR: (snorts) Now that's a Jim question if I ever heard one. 

REGIS: Who's Jim? 

BLAIR: My roommate. 

REGIS: And you think he'd probably like it if you slept more? 

BLAIR: Can't blame the guy really, I'm like super energized. Sometimes I have to set the alarm to remind myself to go to bed. And he has this stupid house rule that I'm not allowed to make noise after ten which obviously you can see is kind of hard to adhere to... 

REGIS: If you're not sleeping. Hence the reason he'd probably like it if you'd invest in a bottle of whatever the answer is. 

BLAIR: Yeah (lighting up, happy Regis is on the same wavelength of thought) Too bad really, you know there are such better ways to expend energy that would make one sleepy. Valerian tabs are so not the way to go. 

REGIS: So Valerian is your answer then? 

BLAIR: Yeah. 

REGIS: Right you are. Big one here. You know the rules. $32,000. Another milestone question. 

BLAIR: Yeah that's a lot of George Washingtons. 

REGIS: Sure. Sure is. You ready? 

BLAIR: Bring it on. 

REGIS: Who was the actor who played Detective Braddock in the 1970's detective show, Braddock's Way? Was it Robert Wagner, George Peppard, Michael Landon or Vince Deal? 

BLAIR: (laughing) That's the actual question? I don't believe it. I'm having some really good karma here today. 

REGIS: We try not to trick the contestants. Not one of our policies. We usually go for the straightforward approach. You want to take a guess? 

BLAIR: No guess. It's Vince. Hey, did you see Braddock's Return? Came out last fall? It was pretty good for a tv movie. 

REGIS: No, didn't see it. So you're answer is D, Vince Deal? 

BLAIR: Oh yeah, before Larry escaped he watched the show at least thirty-five times. I know all the episodes by heart. 

REGIS: Larry? 

BLAIR: Oh, this barbary ape I was studying to investigate the short term effects of concentrated television violence on primates. 

REGIS: What did you find out? 

BLAIR: Well after the warehouse exploded and we moved over to Jim's he went berserk, trashed the loft, escaped. But the explosion and move were pretty traumatic for the little guy, it might not have been the effects of violence after all. And he did eventually break back in. 

REGIS: (arching his eyebrows) You're life isn't boring is it? 

BLAIR: Not really. 

REGIS: Okay, so you said Vince Deal. 

BLAIR: That's right. 

REGIS: And you got it. We're going to take a break here and we'll be right back with Mr. Sandburg. All three lifelines left. And we'll see how far he goes. 

* * *

REGIS: So, you're up to $125,000, pretty exciting. Nice chunk of change. Any special plans for the money? 

BLAIR: Pacifying the student loan people for one. 

REGIS: Getting a doctorate isn't cheap. 

BLAIR: Research is expensive. 

REGIS: Of course. Okay, here's the question. Who is the female recording artist whose song Criminal won a Grammy award? Sarah MacLachlan, Angie Ferris, Fiona Apple, or Jann Arden? 

BLAIR: Oh man, I wish I could say it was Angie Ferris, she sure deserves a Grammy, her music is beyond cool, but I don't think it was her. I think she had some gold records hanging around the apartment but I don't remember seeing any of those statues... are they the ones with the gramophone? 

REGIS: Those are the ones. 

BLAIR: Don't think I saw any of those. All these women are pretty amazing singers and all deserve that kind of award, but I'm just really not sure. 

REGIS: You want to use a lifeline? You have two remaining. 

BLAIR: Yeah, I think I'll ask the audience on this one. 

REGIS: Okay, audience, you know what to do. 

(Camera pans to audience punching in what they think the answer is. The graph shows that the majority think it was Fiona Apple. 

REGIS: 92% say Fiona Apple. 

BLAIR: Yeah. Okay, works for me. I'll go with C then. 

REGIS: You trust that the audience is right? 

BLAIR: Can't argue with a percentage like that. 

REGIS: Final answer? 

BLAIR: Absolutely. 

REGIS: Audience was right, it's Fiona Apple. 

(Blair swivels in chair to thank audience) 

* * *

(Blair is super hyper now, looks like he's about to have a panic attack) 

REGIS: How are you doing over there? A little nervous? 

BLAIR: You could say that. I guess, I don't know, I'm starting to think like a million dollars, what the hell could I ever possibly do with that much money, but then I think, pay off the loans, start some research projects, send my mom on a nice retreat, pay Jim all that backrent, get the Volvo fixed again, but then I start factoring in the tax thing and all the paperwork and then I wonder is it really worth it and maybe I didn't think this whole thing through and what if it blows my chance to ever go undercover again or what if... 

REGIS: Take a deep breath. 

(Blair inhales deeply) 

REGIS: Better? 

BLAIR: Yeah, I guess. Thanks man. That's usually my line. 

REGIS: It's natural to be a little overwhelmed. We don't have to ask the next question, you could always take what you have. It's still a substantial amount. 

BLAIR: No, no, I'm ready. If I left now I'd always wonder... 

REGIS: I bet you would. 

BLAIR: Terminal curiosity. 

REGIS: (looking at question) Well, I could be wrong but I think this one's right up your alley. 

BLAIR: Okay, okay, I'm ready. What is it? 

REGIS: The Yanomamo peoples are indigenous to what region... 

BLAIR (starts answering before Regis gives him choices) Oh man, oh man, oh man, am I being blessed or what? The Yanomamo peoples are a tribal culture that live in the jungle lowlands of South America. They're the largest unacculturated Brazilian tribe. About 16,000 of them to be precise. In fact the Brazilian government is even working to create a special park for them to live, sort of like a reservation, so that they can continue to live their traditional lifestyle in a protected environment. You know a lot of tribes have suffered significant losses of tradition due to the modernization of the rainforest, agribusiness and diseases the Europeans brought over with them... 

REGIS: Mr. Sandburg? 

BLAIR: (coming out of his intellectual daze) Oh, huh, yeah? 

REGIS: I need to give you the choices first. 

BLAIR: Oh, okay, hey I'm down with that. 

REGIS: So the question again was, The Yanomamo peoples are indigenous to what region of South America? The Andes, Patagonia, Amazon Basin, or the Altiplano region? 

BLAiR: The Amazon Basin. 

REGIS: And this is your area of expertise so I'm assuming that's your final answer? 

BLAIR: Oh, yeah, I'd sure embarrass some of my old professors if I got this one wrong. That's my final answer. 

REGIS: And the man knows his tribes. You've just won $500,000 dollars. We're going to take a commercial break and then come back and see if he can make it a million. 

* * *

REGIS: We're back with Blair Sandburg of Cascade, WA. And he's having a pretty good night here in New York. He's won $500,000 already, is going to try for a million. Lots of excitement in the audience. We like to give away money. Would love to see him go home with a million dollars tonight. It's not often we get to do that and we're hoping to have that chance. How do you feel? 

BLAIR: Kinda weird. There's this incredible adrenaline rush going on but it's like the day Kincaid took over the police station and I took that guy out with the candy machine. Kind of embarrassing, you know? When everyone asked what happened it's not like I had this great yeah, used that three angled pivotal hip turn, high kick to the ribs, left hand to the jaw maneuver, no big deal kind of story to share. Feels sorta like that. I can see the potential here for some humiliation. 

REGIS: Sounds like you helped the police. Working with them has been something of an adventure I take it? 

BLAIR: Oh, yeah, an academic's dream come true. Getting out of the library fantasy and all. But I have to tell you you can only be kidnapped, drugged, and shot at so many times before the thrill wears off and you're wishing for a nice complacent pile of paperwork. 

REGIS: I can imagine. You up for a little adventure right now? Want to take a spin on the million dollar merry-go-round? You still have one remaining lifeline. You're in good shape. Not too much to worry about. If you don't know you can still walk away with $500,000. 

BlAIR: Hit me. 

REGIS: All right, for a million dollars, The British explorer Sir Richard Francis Burton was most famous for translating what piece of literature? 

(Blair's mouth hangs open and his eyes grow wide) 

REGIS: Was it Don Quixote, The Charterhouse of Parma, The Arabian Nights, or Dead Souls? 

BlAIR: Oh my god, I can't believe it. (he is grinning wildly and practically jumping up and down in his chair) I like did so not expect this. What are the odds? Unfu..uh, unbelievable. 

REGIS: So this is an easy one for you? 

BLAIR: (turns serious) Actually no. It's not. I don't know it. Not at all. 

REGIS: Oh, you seemed like you might. 

BLAIR: I mean, yeah, I'm familiar with Burton and all, but I know more about where he traveled than what he did. I know he was in Africa and I'm no linguist but those aren't African titles. I dated an English major once but we did more...uh, well we didn't really have too many deep conversations about the impact literature has on cultural evolution. 

REGIS: You still have the chance to call someone. 

BLAIR: (smiling) Well, I have no idea so let's call him. 

REGIS: Okay, who are you calling? 

BLAIR: My friend Jim. 

REGIS: The same Jim with the house rules? 

BLAIR: The very one. 

REGIS: And he knows something about literature? 

BLAIR: Jim's a smart guy, not your stereotypical cop at all. Jim knows a lot of stuff. 

REGIS: Well, we hope he knows this one. Okay, AT&T let's get Jim on the line. 

(dial tone heard as phone rings) 

CUT TO: THE LOFT 

(Jim is sitting at the table eating and looking over some case files. He gets up to answer the phone) 

JIM: Ellison 

REGIS: (O.S.) Jim? 

JIM: (gruff) Yeah, who is this? 

REGIS: (O.S.) Regis Philbin here from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. 

JIM: And? 

(Jim shakes his head in disbelief and goes to sit on the couch) 

REGIS: I've got your friend Blair here with me and he needs your help. 

JIM: (O.S) (snorts) Sandburg needs my help? 

REGIS: He says he does. He's won $500,000 and is going for a million here. 

(Jim's posture becomes rigid) 

JIM: (O.S.) Is this a joke? He lost and he reeled you into playing a little joke on me, huh? He's toasted to the gills, thinks it's funny, well I'm kind of busy right now and I really don't have time for this. 

BLAIR: (squeaking) Jim man, come on. Do not hang up. Listen to the guy. 

REGIS: No joke Jim. Blair's going to read you a question and you'll have 25 seconds to answer. Blair? 

BLAIR: Hey Jim. Sir Richard Francis Burton is most famous for translating what, Don Quixote, The Charterhouse of Parma, The Arabian Nights, or Dead Souls? 

JIM: (O.S.) What the fu..uh, Burton? Sandburg, have you lost your mind? Where are you? Are you in some kind of trouble? 

BLAIR: Jim! I'm serious. Hurry up man, clock's ticking and I haven't got a clue. What is it? This is the mother of all questions here Jim. 

JIM: (O.S.) Burton. Like you don't know this, like this isn't your field of expertise. (sigh) The Arabian Nights, Chief. 

BlAIR: How sure are you? 

JIM: (O.S) Blair, I've never been more certain of anything in my life. 

BLAIR: Me too. Thanks Jim. See you later. 

(Jim hangs up but he is wearing a beautiful smile. Blair is wearing a matching smile) 

REGIS: No hesitation on Jim's part. Seemed certain. Thought you might know that one. 

BLAIR: I didn't. Not for sure. Not until now and he damn well better be. 

REGIS: So Jim's going to be in the doghouse if he's wrong? 

BLAIR: Yeah, I know a good wolf I can sick on him. But I think he's right so I'm going to go ahead and say The Arabian Nights. 

REGIS: And that's your final answer? 

BLAIR: Yeah man, it is. The final one. 

REGIS: You did it. 

(Balloons and streamers drop. Megan runs up and hugs Blair. They are ushered off stage. Everyone is happy) 

* * *

Two days later.  
INT. NIGHT. THE LOFT 

(Blair and Jim are on the sofa watching the tape of Blair on the game show. Jim is giving Blair a foot massage) 

JIM: You know, Chief, you live in a strange universe. What are the chances that you'd have questions directly relating to people you know or cases you've worked on? 

BLAIR: Mmn man that feels so good. I know, strange. It's like the gods rigged it or something. I thought for sure I'd piss my pants when I heard the million dollar question... 

(Jim puts a finger over Blair's mouth to shut him up while he watches said question being asked) 

JIM: No clue huh? 

BLAIR: Clues are like so not necessary when you have the facts. 

JIM: Just the facts? 

BLAIR: (kicks him in the ribs) Yeah, Joe Friday, had to make sure you were taking notes. 

JIM: Oh, be assured, I was taking notes. 

BLAIR: I'm always telling my colleagues, it's like I'm always saying, guys you're wrong, cavemen weren't dumb. 

JIM: Just cops. 

BLAIR: And neo hippie witchdoctor punks. 

JIM: I don't know, it's been my experience that you can't have two dumbs in a relationship. Someone has to be the pretty one. 

BLAIR: That's where you're wrong. We have a different dynamic going. 

JIM: Oh and what's that? 

BLAIR: Brains and brawn. 

JIM: (squeezing Blair's bicep) I don't know Chief, I don't think scrawny qualifies. 

BLAIR: (rising and leaning forward into Jim, he rubs his hands against Jim's chest) Nothing scrawny on this landscape. 

(They kiss and when the kiss ends they snuggle) 

JIM: (cupping Blair's face) Thanks. 

BLAIR: For what? 

JIM: For asking. 

BLAIR: Well when opportunity presents itself... 

JIM: Obfuscate away? 

BLAIR: Lie lug a rug man, works every time. 

JIM: And what if I didn't know? 

BLAIR: You knew. 

JIM: What made you sure I'd know? 

BLAIR: (shrugs) You love it when I talk. Can't get enough of it. 

JIM: Right. 

BLAIR: You just pretend you're not listening to every word I say. 

JIM: Like you listen when I tell you to stay put? 

BLAIR: (snuggles in closer) Yeah, just like that. 

JIM: A wolf attack? A /wolf/ attack? 

BLAIR: Didn't hear you complaining when the wolf attacked last night. 

JIM: So if I were to ask you a million dollar question, say like Munaway winaypaq? What would your answer be? 

BLAIR: Isn't that more of a trillion dollar question? 

JIM: Priceless. Well? 

BLAIR: Hey, you got 25 seconds. (Jim lightly smacks Blair's head) Okay, okay already. Yes I can. Can you love me forever? 

JIM: Already am Blair. Death didn't separate us. Way I figure it we're already in forever. 

(Blair kisses Jim) 

JIM: So what're you gonna do with all that money? 

BLAIR: (eyes glinting evilly) Research, Jim, research. Think of all the equipment I can buy to test your senses. 

JIM: Didn't Naomi teach you the best things in life are free? 

BLAIR: You (pokes Jim's chest) Jim are free. The supplies I need to take advantage of your freedom are not but if you'd rather we donate the money to a more charitable cause... 

(Blair goes to sit at the table) 

JIM: What are you doing? 

BLAIR: Making a list of the supplies we'll need. 

JIM: Now? 

BLAIR: Hey I plan to keep you occupied. 

JIM: No time like the present. 

BLAIR: (sighing) Jim, it's a long list. The sooner I finish it, the sooner I can go to the store. The sooner I go to the store, the sooner we can get busy. 

(Jim stalks over to where Blair is sitting, Blair looks up at him with longing and promise) 

BLAIR: Or we can get busy now. I'm a flexible guy. 

FADE OUT as credits roll 

(loud splintering crash is heard, followed by sliding noises, groans, and pants) 

BLAIR: Jim, Jim I don't know if I'm that flexible. 

The End 


End file.
